It’s now 11:15 on Thursday, April 13th 2006 (which is probably indicated when I post this…but hey, I’m all about repeating things).

And I’m in my room, desk light on, laying in bed doing some research on how to rip a DVD onto a computer. I’ve got a couple movies that I got from students when I was at Les Roches so I’ve been thinking about putting some of my movies on…

Whatever.

What a terribly boring post for Birthday Eve. Seriously…shouldn’t I be talking about something far more fun? Like presents, parties, friends, family…expectations, resolutions, plans, reflections? Something far more grand and promising then “gee, I really would love to be able to watch Initial D on my computer without popping in the disk.”

The thing is I’m kinda distracted these days. Sure I’ve got lots going on…this whole work thing for example, my list of possible posts…and to add to that list…

-List of Things Neil Needs to do Before he Dies

-Massive posting of pictures from the farm

-The lunacy that is www.nasioc.com Off Topic

-Good sources for free porn

-List of cool websites that are fun to screw around with

blah blah blah…

But what I’m going to type next is something that has been on my mind for a while now. I’m 31 (32 in about 38 minutes) and I’m single. I’m really seriously single…and have been for a looong time now. Yeah I’ve dated a bit and had some fun…but it’s been a long time since I’ve been involved in anything truly serious. Now…that isn’t to say I haven’t been “involved” with anyone. Just not “truly seriously” involved. I’ve got this really fucking annoying habit of getting “involved” with women through this glorious medium we like to call “the internet”. Sometimes it’s something I pursue, sometimes it’s something that happens without any real effort. And this last time…man, what a jacked up situation that was. Hell…I’m still recovering from this. I’m not going to go into the deep details here but I was nuts about her, she was nuts about me and all of a sudden (it seems), it totally crapped out. Yes yes shame on me for falling for something this unreal but SHIT it sure as hell FELT real. Perhaps that’s a product of my season online-e-ness? That it’s just comfortable and easy for me to get all hot and heavy over someone from the net? Perhaps. Hell if I know.

I know I’m just not quite over it…I put in a lot of time and effort. And time and effort is the only thing that will help it pass.

And yes…oh yes…I’m sure it’ll pass…especially when I fucking stop dwelling on it. That is clear.

But when it’s 30 minutes away from your birthday, and you are alone at home…these sort of things just pop into your mind. And that is frustrating.

Things could be worse however. I’ve got a great job that is becoming better daily. I’ve got a family that cares tremendously about me. I’ve got money in the bank. I’ve got some cool shit coming up in my life. I’ve got a group of friends I know are there for me.

I just miss…you know. That other stuff.

Tomorrow will be another day. Maybe another gloriously sunshine filled day.

We shall see…won’t we?

Happy Birthday to me.

And Kristin…if you ever do read this…I want you to know, on this day, on this hour…I still wish you the best.