This is a strange-ish schedule for me this week. Sunday = Work. Monday = Off. Tuesday = Work. Wednesday = Off. Thursday = Work. Friday = Off (with a Managers Meeting at 2 PM). Saturday = Work. Sunday = Work. Monday = Unknown at this point but probably Off.

Working every other day (or having every other day off…your choice) is a bit…strange. It’s nice to have this much freedom but at the same time really fucks with the flow of life. I’d much perfer to have a couple days on and a couple days off…in a row please.

With this new “me” of sorts I’ve found myself with a hell of a lot of energy and desire to…well…do stuff. So I’ve been going rather crazy with doing stuff. Hell, I spent nearly the whole morning/early afternoon on Wednesday power washing the front driveway. Why? Because I thought it would look cool. It does look nicer…but that was a rather crazy thing to do.

We got paid yesterday so this morning I deposited my check and headed off to Fry’s for a little present for myself. I had a couple things in mind…a subwoofer for the home theatre setup, maybe a new computer game (or video card), perhaps some other cool electronic gadget that I could play with. I’ve got the money to toss around a bit…so let’s see what I can find…

I found lots of cool things…but bought nothing. Everything I found that looked cool and neat just didn’t do it for me. I held whatever it was…checked out the specs…and found myself eventually wondering why the hell am I going to buy this for? I haven’t turned on my “big” PC for…oh, 2 weeks or so now. I have the stereo playing in the living room all the time but it sounds fine to me…no real need for better/fancier equipment. I’ve got the PS2 hooked up all clever and fancy now…and the games I have are fine, why get another? There was nothing I really “needed”…and as it turned out…nothing I really “wanted” either.

I suppose this comes back to the huge amount of mental projects I’ve got going on (Lego Star Destroyer that is sitting in the box in my room, the Subaru GL-10 that is sitting in the barn up at the farm, the giant box of computer bits and pieces sitting in the garage as my PC gets dustier, etc etc). Why buy some cool new toy when I’ve got all these other things I could play with?

What it all comes down to is that I don’t want to spend money on anything new/cool right now. I’ve got all kinds of cool stuff around here to fiddle with. Sure a new TV, speakers, video card, shoes, dress pants, whatever would be nice…I don’t need any of those things (maybe some clothes…but I’m waiting to see if my sizes change at all due to my experiment). I don’t need anything…and for (perhaps) the first time in my life…I went to one of the greatest toy stores of all…and bought nothing.

But WOW am I hungry now. So I’ll go eat.

PS: I saw that last night (and this morning) I got a couple people diving deep into my site. They read pages, downloaded videos, and generally spent a ton of time looking around. How cool…I wonder who they were? Actually, I know who one of them was. Isn’t technology cool? I thought about playing a little joke on them…posting some funny made up story to see how they’d react…but I changed my mind. I’d rather make ‘em sweat a little by posting this (if they read it). In summary…I know who is reading my site…and I think it’s hilarious…woot!

First of all…I’m not a perfect man. Obviously. I’ve had a couple drags from people (more than a couple) and I had some Rockstar today. But overall I’ve been doing a damn good job.

First…the smoking issue. The craving is pretty damn wicked. But…it’s not totally overpowering. Yes I have lapsed a little but it wasn’t because I was totally freaking out or in pain. It was simple weakness. The opportunity was there and I took it. And it “felt” damn good. But within minutes my allergies went NUTS, my mouth tasted awful and personally (emotionally and spiritually) I felt like shit. The urge is still there…and I won’t say it is getting weaker. It’s still just as strong…but I think as long as I stay focused and strong I won’t have a problem.

Second…Rockstar. This wasn’t as much a moment of weakness as it was an experiment within an experiment. I used to drink a LOT of Coke…and hadn’t had any in a couple days. Yesterday I bought an iced tea (all natural of course), drank it, and was literally bouncing off the walls. That caffine rush was something I hadn’t experienced in quite a while…since I would drink so much soda caffine didn’t have much of an effect anymore. So today I wondered what a Rockstar, a super energy drink, would do to me. Well…it tasted like crap. Well…sorta. It actually tasted “good”…good flavor, sweet and delicious. But it also tasted so…processed. It tasted so extremely fake. In essence…it was gross…but good. I’m sure you understand what I mean here. I had a couple mouthfuls and dumped the rest out. With regards to the energy nature…again, I’m full of energy…with a slight headache. I feel good but un-naturally good. I wouldn’t quite compare it with drugs because it lacks the europhoric sensation…but it is very similar.

I feel “bad” about the smoking lapse. But I don’t feel discouraged. I am fully aware of how hard it is to give up a serious chemical addiction. I know it isn’t something to be taken too lightly. I know it’ll be a struggle…a challenge…a mental/emotional/physical workout. And…I CAN do it. I am doing it.

I’m not a perfect man…but who the hell is? At least I’m doing something.

Final thoughts: I can’t believe how well I sleep these days! I wake up early with tons of energy. I feel like I’m more “aware” of the world these days…like my senses are functioning better…more receptive. My mind is much clearer too. I do tend to crash out a bit more early in the evenings…but I’m sure that is a result from the lack of serious caffine intake. My allergies are easier to manage. My body just feels…better. I like this, a lot.