First of all…I’m not a perfect man. Obviously. I’ve had a couple drags from people (more than a couple) and I had some Rockstar today. But overall I’ve been doing a damn good job.

First…the smoking issue. The craving is pretty damn wicked. But…it’s not totally overpowering. Yes I have lapsed a little but it wasn’t because I was totally freaking out or in pain. It was simple weakness. The opportunity was there and I took it. And it “felt” damn good. But within minutes my allergies went NUTS, my mouth tasted awful and personally (emotionally and spiritually) I felt like shit. The urge is still there…and I won’t say it is getting weaker. It’s still just as strong…but I think as long as I stay focused and strong I won’t have a problem.

Second…Rockstar. This wasn’t as much a moment of weakness as it was an experiment within an experiment. I used to drink a LOT of Coke…and hadn’t had any in a couple days. Yesterday I bought an iced tea (all natural of course), drank it, and was literally bouncing off the walls. That caffine rush was something I hadn’t experienced in quite a while…since I would drink so much soda caffine didn’t have much of an effect anymore. So today I wondered what a Rockstar, a super energy drink, would do to me. Well…it tasted like crap. Well…sorta. It actually tasted “good”…good flavor, sweet and delicious. But it also tasted so…processed. It tasted so extremely fake. In essence…it was gross…but good. I’m sure you understand what I mean here. I had a couple mouthfuls and dumped the rest out. With regards to the energy nature…again, I’m full of energy…with a slight headache. I feel good but un-naturally good. I wouldn’t quite compare it with drugs because it lacks the europhoric sensation…but it is very similar.

I feel “bad” about the smoking lapse. But I don’t feel discouraged. I am fully aware of how hard it is to give up a serious chemical addiction. I know it isn’t something to be taken too lightly. I know it’ll be a struggle…a challenge…a mental/emotional/physical workout. And…I CAN do it. I am doing it.

I’m not a perfect man…but who the hell is? At least I’m doing something.

Final thoughts: I can’t believe how well I sleep these days! I wake up early with tons of energy. I feel like I’m more “aware” of the world these days…like my senses are functioning better…more receptive. My mind is much clearer too. I do tend to crash out a bit more early in the evenings…but I’m sure that is a result from the lack of serious caffine intake. My allergies are easier to manage. My body just feels…better. I like this, a lot.

So far…so good. I don’t particularily feel any different than I normally do. I woke up this morning and had a “breakfast shake” I concocted of various things I picked up at the local “good food” supermarket.

I didn’t smoke, and didn’t get a Rockstar (my energy drink/soda weapon of choice).

The day was fine…I drank a tremendous amount of water and fought off a bit of a headache. There were several times where I wanted to smoke but attempted to keep myself busy. I admit I got pretty ansy towards the end of the day and bailed out of work early…and by the time I got home I was tired and a bit out of it…so I took a nap.

I woke up when my dad came home, ran some errands for him and am getting ready to cook some dinner. I’m going with “house” made pasta (known normal ingredients), seared sea scallops (wild caught)…an “organic” sauce (butter, flour, milk, parm cheese and sprinkling of chives and lemon juice)…and a simple baby green salad. Thank god for Andronico’s…they are making this much easier.
I feel good…pretty much. I’ve got this building up conversation going on inside my body currently. Here is a small transcript…

Body: “Boy, I’d sure like a cig right now”

Brain: “Sorry but no…we aren’t doing that for a while”

Body: “That’s cool. Hey, let’s grab a soda”

Brain: “Well…that’s off the list too…”

Body: “No worries. How about a cig instead?”

Brain: “Uh, can’t do”

Body: “Hey…I can deal with that. I’d love some McDonald fries…something along those lines”

Brain: “Sorry but no”

Body: “It’s cool it’s cool. But I’d love a soda”

Brain: “Sigh…no can do…”

And on and on. It’s not like I’m freaking out, or that Body is rebelling…throwing a temper tantrum…threatening or crying…it’s just sort of…politely insisting at this point. It’s managable but mildly aggrevating. I’m worried about that aggrevation growing.

But for now…hey, it’s cool.